Worry. I wish I could shake it but I worry about the kiddo and school. The schools in our district are great. I also have really really enjoyed our time at Friends School in Boulder. I’d love for preschool to be there but we miss the age cut off and next year seems a world away. I worry mainly because I know that the social component is so critical at this stage. I have tried the play date route and it’s just not working. Not in the least. I can certainly keep trying but it’s very disheartening. For me. Not sure the kid notices. Which is really the best I could hope for. But the worry is something that I wish I could shake. SO since I like to plan and plan I am visiting more preschools to see if there’s a good fit. I havent completely ruled out CU but I am a little anti parting with my wee one for three days a week. Not sure I can handle it. Yes its coming. The days when he will have stuff to do but I am so grateful to have this time. It’s a fine line between wanting him to socialize and not being with him.
I always wonder about starting a food blog. Seems like the other half of my life is putting meals together both daily and special. Recently I have just been so personally stress that I have been craving Hawaiian food. Mainly mac salad and kalua pork. I love the internet and folks who share recipes as it just so happens I found the BEST recipes for both mac salad and slow cooker kalua pork. Might be a few pounds heavier right now esp with an avery liliko’i beer or two but damn if it doesnt bring back beachy Hawaiian dreams.
I have not been feeling like a “successful” person. Things in general have just been hard. No two ways about it. BUT one of my old employers came with an offer of work. I was so excited. I am so specialized in what I do that it felt so damn good to have someone come calling for work. AND then the other shoe dropped. The project’s scope was completely impossible. From deadline to content. I felt my stress level go rocketing and just knew the only answer was to turn it down. Cant refer it. Cant do it. Just have to let it go and walk away. So I did. I tried to be very nice about it but it was still a no. The whole thing has hit hard but after the Megan debacle I have no clue how I could take on that much responsibility and survive.
Insanity. I guess the good news is the pain of not changing has now over come the pain of attempting change. I had forgotten (imagine that) how honest I feel I can be in this space. My life is currently not feeling very authentic (and yes I am working on that). It’s easy to get mired in the everyday. The hundreds of small things that I let eat away at my self esteem and confidence. I thought I’d try to put down the current state of affairs in my world –
INLAWs – My MIL is losing her health. Started with her eye sight and has moved on to her declining mobility and health. I see her at least every Sunday. This past Sunday there were tears because she’s sad and frustrated that she can no longer change the sheets on their bed. Her health is all they really talk about. She’s turning 80 this year. She’s not fighting hard and always wonders out loud if it’d be better for her mind to go so she wouldnt have to experience her body going. HARD. That’s all I have. She doesnt want help. My FIL doesnt want help. Their preference is to simply complain about their state of affairs. They are getting ready to head back to the west coast to close up shop on their home there. Another hot topic of conversation. Between the health issues, paradigm changing house selling and judgment on my parenting I find myself not looking forward to spending time with them. In fact my menus on Sunday have become more elaborate so I can stay distracted cooking longer…
Boulder Friend – I feel like I really have only one local friend that I know well. She’s going through a rough time with her mom and had become MIA. She will text back if I text but other than that it’s radio silence. Its been weeks so it’s hard to misinterpret where this friendship is at. Think I am having issues letting go.
Taxes – Delayed and still in the throws of. AND an audit from 2014 taxes on moving expenses.
Things – I feel overwhelmed by the amount of crap in our home. I am tired of being tired of it. Working on the purge just wished it happened faster.
Crossfit – Quit the gym. Losing my nanny for june/july and already had a hard time making it more than once a week. Time for something else.
So I have been trying to get out and get the kiddo socializing with other kiddos. Pretty much a bust so far. We are also still nursing. Have been working on night weaning. One step forward and forty back but thats another post. We havent been having the best nights sleep. I am bleary and not all there (see post about turning work down). BUT here’s a great example of my life these days.
Neighbors daughter invited us over for a play date. We went. Other moms were there. This was in Boulder – this is an important point. I was introduced and surprised at the crowd but went with it. Brought a coffee with 3 shots of espresso. Trying to be present and keep up. The host “Megan” kept referring to Megan. I was so confused. Wondering if she was speaking about herself in the third person… This went on for the duration of the visit. Megan will, megan has… you get the idea. AND this is Boulder. Weird is normal. She could refer to herself in the third. No completely crazy but made me so uncomfortable the whole time…
well 10 minutes before I feel I can politely excuse myself from this crazy lady I realize the OTHER mom is named Megan… I am an ass. AND I blurt out exceptionally relived – “OH YOU ARE BOTH NAMED MEGAN…” then I share why I am so relived.
Not sure I’d invite me back.
Ugh. Having a December baby makes school a little bit of a challenge. We arent able to do the “3” year old class/summer camps and he can not start preschool at Friends School in Boulder. He’s made friends that he really really likes – 3 year old girls – they are starting preschool there in September but because of the cutoff at the end of Sept he can not. Developmentally he is simply ahead of his peers. At this age it’s a night and day thing. There are a few kid just days younger than him but they are just at a different space. I am not a drum banger mom with the “look at how smart my kid is”. I am just really concerned that he will have no conversation or interaction with the younger group and being unable to move forward with the older group. Well it’s just a hard place to be.
We went over to the CLC at the University of Colorado and that was a different experience altogether. Not quite the other end of the spectrum but the teacher feels the wee one would be bored in the toddler play group (and it was obvious during the tour that there was a large developmental gap there). She wants him in the preschool class. Thats the m/w/f class and first and foremost I am not sure that I am at a place where I want to give up my kiddo 3 days a week… just not ready. Their space is also pretty small. And on a random side note that may make me sound like an ignorant parent but there’s no help for it – there are more than half of the kids that are developmentally challenge. I have no judgement on that I just worry about my little one not having peer social exposure. They kept telling me how “diverse” they are. Not a big concern of mine as there isnt a lot of diversity locally and I am not sure how much of a factor at this stage it is. At the not sure. Too much time away and just really unsure about the over half of the kids dealing with “issues” things. There was too much excitement about having him come and modeling for the other kids… maybe I am being unfair but got to go with my gut on this one. Back to the JCC.
I am almost too embarrassed to share this but it’s been over three years since I had a normal period and even before then will all the ivf and miscarriages/ectopic I can’t recall what it’s like to have a period… I have been trying to cut back on night nursing in order to wean. I am ready to no longer be a food source but the wee one is all about the “milk yummy”.
So for the last day or so I have been super emotional – more than usual. Able to cry at a balled up piece of paper and small socks. Then there was blood! Pink spots and I am perplexed and wondering why. Then it hits me – no tubes and no chance of ever having another baby but my period is back in full force. How can one forget these things?!