Period

I am almost too embarrassed to share this but it’s been over three years since I had a normal period and even before then will all the ivf and miscarriages/ectopic I can’t recall what it’s like to have a period… I have been trying to cut back on night nursing in order to wean. I am ready to no longer be a food source but the wee one is all about the “milk yummy”.

So for the last day or so I have been super emotional – more than usual. Able to cry at a balled up piece of paper and small socks. Then there was blood! Pink spots and I am perplexed and wondering why. Then it hits me – no tubes and no chance of ever having another baby but my period is back in full force. How can one forget these things?!

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INlaws

So yeah. One of the things that has been happening is my MIL has slowly (even though they dont feel that way) been losing her health. Actually it will be two years ago Mother’s Day that her whole world changed. I should also say that I am not without sympathy and support but my INlaws do not want it. We see them every Sunday. Our world has been regulated to once a week, which is plenty for me. But we never get the straight scuttle on whats happening or what meds she’s taking or what she’s trying next. She will try anything that the doctors Rx. ANYTHING. This has gotten her C-diff from two rounds of antibiotics back to back for different things. She will do chemo, hardcore muscle relaxants but NOT cbd oil as she’s “never tried drugs in her life”.  UGH

In a nutshell she had an event and woke up with her eyes moving “jittery” in different directions. This has affect her balance mainly but she’s been losing her eye sight. Spent a year walking with a walker – for the record there are “active” rollators that work much better for folks who have vision impairment but NOT trouble walking. But all her health issues really boil down to that they (INlaws) dont feel comfortable planning anything. Dont want to do anything and are terrified and sure that she is going to have another event.

This is NOT for me to solve but its no way to live. I have tried to get her to connect with the local school for the blind but denial is a tough place to be. People live without eye sight. Living.

Well they come over every Sunday and catch us up on the week while grousing about everything. Recently it’s been that they are going to stop traveling between Washington State and Colorado and just stay here. They like the medical care more here. So they have been deciding what they are moving back, how they are doing it etc. She keeps bringing little random things over to see if “I want them”. Like dishes – and I am happy to USE the dishes on Sunday with her while she is here. But I digress.

For WEEKS we have listened to all this planning. Offered to help – in any way. (No thank you they dont want help). Then they mention that theyd like to turn this into a “celebration” rather than a last time. I am all in. Should we plan some time out there?! All I am going to say is that my SIL calls her brother – after I send her a text asking about dates and what makes sense. No call to me. Telling him that she “will take care of things on her end we should just worry about ours.” – which we think means dont bother to come out she’s taking care of everything after all she’s local there.

I just find it offensive and clearly this is how things are going to go with her.

I’d like to remove myself from the INlaw equation and just support my husband on our time. Sunday’s it is.

Super awkward 

I feel super awkward meeting new moms and then on play dates. Not sure I can really explain it. I am not “bubbly and friendly”. I have always had just ok friends. More of the fair weather type or long time friends that call every year or so and we catch up but don’t ever see. Even my oldest friend in Boulder has just become a weekly phone call that is more catch up on what’s happening than hang out and do something or have fun. Maybe friendships aren’t all about fun.

But meeting new people is hard for me. Then following up for play dates etc… I try not to read into things but sometimes it’s blantant. Like today. Set up a quick play date after class with two little girls and their moms. I will say that they have girls the same age and clearly much more in common. One mom is always on time and the other runs late but it’s when the transitions happen… mom “A” has a hard time talking with me. She asks questions and then if I reciprocate she says she “can’t think of anything to say” in response to my inquiry about how her weekend was. Seriously. Then we just get quiet and watch the kids play. Mom “B” shows up and I get to hear how the weekend was IN DETAIL from mom A to mom B. Then the mom asks how her birthday was etc and on and on. I find that I would rather be anywhere else

    than listening to all the goings on that mom A doesn’t feel like sharing when it’s just us. And it’s never anything scandalous or eyebrow raising. It’s all very everyday stuff.

    I get it. Not everyone likes folks the same but it was the first time that I realized these people really like my kid and aren’t so comfortable with me. I know this says more about me. I was just so surprised. I didn’t even know it was her birthday. But didn’t want to blurt that out mid-their conversation. I have been out with mom A to the zoo – just the two of us. Have met her and her little one for a walk around a lake a time or two. Had her over to the house for a play date… i had to duck out of the play day early. Too awkward.

    April 2017

    Where does the time go?! April is here and that means 2017 is approaching the halfway mark. But lets get right down to it – motherhood is hard as hell and a ton of fun. The wee one is amazing! He has a huge vocabulary. Loves to answer every question or inquiry with “of course”. Loves to hang out with the older girls. Most of his favorite friends are 3.5 or 4. Moms are surprised when they find out that he’s just 28 months. Funny how I never thought of his age in terms of months before but he’s not 2.5 a yet and still closer to 2 than 3. The developmental difference with this age group is HUGE.

    I am not a fan of comparing or tracking. Every kid in their own way. It’s just been eye opening to experience the variety side by side. Age is relative and no more so than now. This developmental difference has me worried about preschool and kindergarten. To be clear I do not want to rush my guy. BUT  I also do not want to hold him back because of my fear. I find I am worried about school cut off dates and what our options are. I dont think I have said but we have been going to a Mom and Me class at a local school one day a week (Not posts since Jan so pretty sure anything is news at this point). I started reading Unconditional Parenting and this has lead me to use this time as an Independence building for the wee. While most moms hover around there kids and follow them around I try to find a spot and sit while he goes and checks things out. Watching him blossom and build independence has been remarkable and contributed to worrying about the Sept/Oct cut off dates and schooling. Do I really let 63 days define his life?!

    Who knew that the things would weigh so heavily.

    I have heard it all at this point – dont rush him – hes only this young once let him be a kid – he wont be the oldest… the rule is for a reason…funny how when you ask everyone has an opinion. Red shirting academically is the term now used for holding a kid back a year AND it’s a thing now with boys (mainly). Not sure when Kindergarten became what you do preschool for. Always thought Kindergarten was to get ready for first grade. Oh the things you learn.

    Socialization – the social aspect is what is so critical at this age. Having positive experiences and repeating them.